taura_g: (Puppy!)
Normally something like this would go on my JTFNA filter--but since I really don't think "we" (society as a whole) talk about grief enough I am just going put it under a cut.   Feel free to skip over it.

It has been occurring to me lately that the waves of grief come at me at differing intensities.   Lately, a couple of people I know have been struggling with cancer and having good days and bad days.   I was just throwing some lunch into the toaster oven when I had an epiphany--the waves of grief are similar to the waves of pain that Aries used to talk about. 

Some days are better than others, some hours are better than others and even some minutes are better than others.   I used the "Pain Scale" quite a bit when I was trying to talk him out of doing something he might not have the energy for...to my knowledge, it was the only thing I could say to get him to stop and take inventory of what was going on with his body.   He spent a lot of time just trying to ignore or mask the pain he was in.

Thanks to a whole lot of therapy and the support of my community, I think I've been pretty good at letting myself feel the emotions I need to feel.   But there are still moments when it creeps up on me,  slowly building up and just waiting for something to release it.  Friday, I broke down in tears at my doctor's office.  She made a very simple comment that normally would go unnoticed, but this time it triggered a brief wave of high intensity.

Good Days and Bad Days are frequently used to describe a chronic illness patient's state of being.  I mentioned on the JTFNA filter a few weeks ago that sometimes I just have a "Bad Day" without any real association to explain it.    For no apparent reason, the level of grief I'm feeling is way above what a normal day looks like now.

Now what seems like an obvious connection to the Pain Scale is blaring in my head. 

On a scale of 1 to 10 what is your grief like today?   With 0 being non-existent and 10 being the worst you've ever felt?
What kind of pain?  Sharp and intense or Dull and throbbing?
Who are you grieving? (because indeed this could be only one or several hitting you at once)

I'm not sure I will ever use this sort of thing...but it was demanding to get out of my head.    I spend most of my days at a 3-4 but since working on The Bully Plays and my Sister's wedding it has been hovering closer to a 6.   Which is where small things can push me over the edge to tears or anger.  

I am very happy about both of these things, but their effect on my day-to-day mood has been obvious (at least to me).   Hopefully, now that I got this out, I can get back to work.  As I have to leave early tonight for The Bully Plays Dress Rehearsal.

Date: 2013-10-22 04:30 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] lillibet.livejournal.com
Yeah, The Bully Plays does bring a lot of stuff to the surface. My neighbor laughed at me for tearing up just describing one of the more difficult pieces to her. Thank you for doing the work.

Date: 2013-10-22 08:49 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] mizarchivist
mizarchivist: (Mirrormask)
Thank you, as always, for sharing. I think that scale makes a lot of sense.

Date: 2013-10-23 02:20 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] tigira.livejournal.com
Thank you. This scale does make sense in regard to grief.

I will keep this in mind.

Date: 2013-10-23 03:57 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] hammercock.livejournal.com
It does seem obvious now that you've laid it out. I hope that it simmers down after the play is overwith. That and the wedding seem like an awful lot of bear-poking. *hug*

I had one of those short, sharp bursts of grief on our way out of NYC last Tuesday afternoon. We were driving through the Alphabet City neighborhood of lower Manhattan, and we passed the German pub where we had gone to drown our sorrows in alcohol on the afternoon of the day Laura died. Just...WHAM. Probably a 5 or 6. It was all I could do not to start sobbing behind the wheel. :-/ But in writing it about it now, it's more of a small, dull throb.

Date: 2013-10-24 06:55 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] drwex
drwex: (Default)
I have sometimes used the 0-10 scale to describe emotional pain. My problem has been that the ordering gets me mixed up. I don't generally say to my doc "I'm at a 6 on the pain scale" as the first thing. Usually it's like "this headache is killing me" followed by "how bad is it" followed by "about a 6."

But when I'm in that level or kind of emotional pain I usually don't want to talk about it. Saying it's a 6 causes people to ask about why. It's hard for me.

I hope it works well for you - it seems to make sense. *hugs*


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