taura_g: (Puppy!)
Normally something like this would go on my JTFNA filter--but since I really don't think "we" (society as a whole) talk about grief enough I am just going put it under a cut.   Feel free to skip over it.

It has been occurring to me lately that the waves of grief come at me at differing intensities.   Lately, a couple of people I know have been struggling with cancer and having good days and bad days.   I was just throwing some lunch into the toaster oven when I had an epiphany--the waves of grief are similar to the waves of pain that Aries used to talk about. 

Some days are better than others, some hours are better than others and even some minutes are better than others.   I used the "Pain Scale" quite a bit when I was trying to talk him out of doing something he might not have the energy for...to my knowledge, it was the only thing I could say to get him to stop and take inventory of what was going on with his body.   He spent a lot of time just trying to ignore or mask the pain he was in.

Thanks to a whole lot of therapy and the support of my community, I think I've been pretty good at letting myself feel the emotions I need to feel.   But there are still moments when it creeps up on me,  slowly building up and just waiting for something to release it.  Friday, I broke down in tears at my doctor's office.  She made a very simple comment that normally would go unnoticed, but this time it triggered a brief wave of high intensity.

Good Days and Bad Days are frequently used to describe a chronic illness patient's state of being.  I mentioned on the JTFNA filter a few weeks ago that sometimes I just have a "Bad Day" without any real association to explain it.    For no apparent reason, the level of grief I'm feeling is way above what a normal day looks like now.

Now what seems like an obvious connection to the Pain Scale is blaring in my head. 

On a scale of 1 to 10 what is your grief like today?   With 0 being non-existent and 10 being the worst you've ever felt?
What kind of pain?  Sharp and intense or Dull and throbbing?
Who are you grieving? (because indeed this could be only one or several hitting you at once)

I'm not sure I will ever use this sort of thing...but it was demanding to get out of my head.    I spend most of my days at a 3-4 but since working on The Bully Plays and my Sister's wedding it has been hovering closer to a 6.   Which is where small things can push me over the edge to tears or anger.  

I am very happy about both of these things, but their effect on my day-to-day mood has been obvious (at least to me).   Hopefully, now that I got this out, I can get back to work.  As I have to leave early tonight for The Bully Plays Dress Rehearsal.
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