taura_g: (selfie)
I know I am not the only affected.  It's not unusual for the 2 weeks before and after the anniversary of Aries' death to be really hard for me.  This year there were a few other factors that made it even harder.  

But the state of the country has made it nigh impossible to bounce back.  The hostility that is often too subtle to be able to report at work has been more constant.  My anxiety over whether we will ever be able to come back from this brink keeps me up at night. 

I am not an activist.  I never have been.  I contribute in various behind the scenes ways because that is what I can do.  I rarely discuss my view on politics due to very deep personal issues. 

But the events of the past week have been soul shattering.  It is history repeating itself and as a historian, I know that it is bound to happen.  Humans are not always very good at remembering and learning lessons of history. 

That does not help the sleep stealing and near paralyzing anxiety.  My productivity this week has been almost  non-existent due to our nation's leader demonstrating racism, tolerance for white supremacist and ignorant expressions of whatever that was to Spain in its time of need.  

That does not help the bone chilling black hole of depression.  The feeling that I can no longer respect the Office of the President.  Which is something I thought I would never say. 

I am not an activist.  But I do have something to say.  You are not alone. 

If you are upset about current events, you are not alone.

If you have lost faith in leadership, democracy or our country, you are not alone.

If you are staring at the black hole of depression, you are not alone.

If you are feeling immobilized by anxiety, you are not alone.

Try to reach out for help.  Try to reach out to others who feel the same.   Try to be kind to yourself and those around you.   Try to do something that will help you feel better.   It does not have to be big.  But it can be if you wish it to be.

We are not alone.  We are a strong and powerful group.   We can make a difference both small and large.

Links to Help&Support, Action and Donation )
taura_g: (red sox)
Thank you [personal profile] jasra , this is a very good sentiment to be spreading.

"My door is always open. The house is usually half clean. Coffee/Tea could be on in minutes, and the chairs are a comfy place of peace and non-judgment. Anyone who needs to chat is welcome anytime. It's no good suffering in silence. There is always food in the fridge, coffee/tea in the cupboard, and a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. I will always be here & you are always welcome!!

If you want to, could at least one friend please copy and re-post (not share)? I'm trying to demonstrate that someone is always listening! We need more love 💛"
taura_g: (ShazzaBW)
The following is a Public Service Announcement based mainly on my experiences. If you interact with me on a regular basis, please read. Some of you may see yourself in one or more of the below statements--I do not want apologies.  I am not upset at anyone. This is an educational tool.   These points are probably relevant to most people who are suffering grief of any kind:

  1. Just because the term “late” proceeds the term “husband”, does not mean it is OK to look at me like a deer in headlights.  That awkward silence can be like a knife to my heart.

  2. He was a large part of my life; I am going to mention him from time to time.

  3. If I bring his name up please do not try to change the topic or avoid the conversation.  It hurts to feel like I cannot bring him up in conversation.

  4. Please do not be afraid of making me sad.  I am usually relieved and touched that someone is willing to talk about him. 

  5. I am always sad about it.  That is never going to change.  You do not “get over” grief.  You just learn to live with it.

  6. There will be times that something will remind me and make me cry or get upset.   This is normal.  This is grief.  Trying to hide it from others or from myself just makes it worse. 

  7. A big cause of stress for me is controlling myself around people that I know cannot handle my grief.

  8. If on the unlikely chance that you say something that upsets me, it is not your fault. I am never going to blame anyone who does me the good grace of talking to me about him.

I have found that this became aggravatingly prevalent just after the first year anniversary.   It continues to be a hard thing to handle.
taura_g: (ShazzaBW)
My 16th birthday 1986
Getting accepted to college 1988
April 4th, 1991 - Pass the Ketchup
September 30th, 1991 - Howling at the Moon
December 21, 1994 - Our engagement
April, 2000 - First job in IT
September 12th, 2001 - Everyone in the family is out of work, except my baby Sister
September, 2007 - The MRSA infection took hold
April, 2010 - ICU - emergency surgery for my husband while my Mom was having the deep brain stimulation for her Parkinson's.
June, 2010 - Beautiful weekend in NH
July 31, 2010 - My Lovey hopefully, finally found peace
November 15th, 2014 - we closed on a new home
April, 2015 - Technical Director in community theater for the first time
New Year's Eve 2015 - with a new relationship

You will notice that none of these moments have anything to do with politics.  Except for those things that impacted the economy in 2001 and events of 2001, all of these are personal moments.  The moments that have helped define me.  The moments that have moved me in new directions and influenced those directions.   Some good, some bad, some horrorific and yet, some that started seeming like negative and turning to be positive.   And vice versa.

But these are all significant moments because of the action that they moved me too.  The influence that caused me to stay the course or change my path.  And those changes were my conscious choices.  I embraced my life and let my choices chart the new path.

A Trump presidency saddens and angers me, but it does not define me.   It may push the country in a new direction that seems bad and define what the country becomes next, but in the end may be good.  I don't know, I will withhold judgement until words become actions and see the effect those actions have.   All I can hope is that whatever the direction we go, in the long term we are still capable of affecting that path.

Hold your leaders accountable.  Make noise when they do something you don't like -- but also make noise when they do something you do like.   Take careful measure of how you want this country to be and make sure that your elected representatives know it.  Democracy is not a passive thing, not something we engage in only on election day.  It is an active way of life and should be embraced.  Make sure your choices are charting a path that you want to walk.
taura_g: (freak)

  • There have been some major upheavals at 5 Elsie Street aka Wood End.   They have not been publicized but they have been seriously affecting my mood and my sense of security.   Things are finally calming down and I feel like I'm regaining my footing, but it has been very stressful.

  • This highlights the other thing that I have not talked about:  how much it took to become this vulnerable again.   I was getting into a very dark place living alone and making a choice to look for multi-adult living situations came out of realizing that it was not sustainable for me.

  • Had you asked me four years ago though, I would not have chosen to become the newbie in an existing family structure.   It took time to realize that finding/creating a new family was needed.

  • All that aside, I continue to be extremely grateful to Roo and her adults.  Despite all the stress, this has been a mental step up and I am in a better spot emotionally and mentally than I was a year ago.

  • Roo seems to be accepting me as one of her adults and that is both extremely satisfying and OMG ADORABLE at times.

  • Both my Manager and my Team Lead have accepted other positions within the company.

  • The new Team Lead took over on March 31 and he seems to be doing pretty well.  He's a bit more laid back than the previous and that is a good thing.

  • I got taken to task for my "absences" and told that I should just take a full day off for appointments that are going to take more than 1.5 hours.

  • This is pretty problematic given the last medical update and the fact that I'm on pretty low PTO due to the illness at the beginning of the year.

  • We still don't have a replacement for my manager so she has been working 2 jobs effectively since the beginning of March.

  • I am finally in the new position that I was supposed to transition to last fall.

  • I am enjoying it but it has been a major adjustment to how I work--with deadlines in terms of days rather than weeks or months.

  • And BTW it's April.  Aries birthday was on the 14th, my father on the 12th and mine on the 23rd.   Lots of landmines.

  • Topped off with your basic spring cold with an extra side of cough.  *rolls eyes*  Oh well.

taura_g: (Puppy!)
She is in room 327 and could probably use cheering up and/or visitors.

I would recommend pinging her via phone or FB first.
taura_g: (Puppy!)
Calling all Programmers, Device Tech and generally problem-solving ingenius friends:  I need something to help my Mom communicate again.  If you think you can help or know of someone who can help or has solved this kind of problem, please let me know.   My Mom really needs help.

Problem:  Mom has Parkinson’s.   Her loss of muscle control is affecting her ability to speak.

Possible Solution? -Touchpad laptop or tablet with suggested word functionality like your average text program on a phone.   Very plain “desktop” that only includes IM, Email and Web functionality.

Limiting Factors:  Hands are shaky and have limited mobility.  Keyboards and small devices have proven problematic.   Solution needs to be affordable.    Think under $500.

Any and all ideas are welcome. I admit my own ability to problem-solve around this has been limited by emotional involvement, lack of programming ability and the need for a solution that is not going to cost hundreds to thousands of dollars.
taura_g: (Puppy!)
The Henry the 4th set needs a folding cot of some kind.

Anyone of my friends have or know of someone who has such a thing?

Please let me know.
taura_g: (Puppy!)
The last line on [livejournal.com profile] drwex most excellent summation of his views is what I wonder any social community can come to some basic agreement of...

If we cannot find a way to work with each other - despite our different frameworks - to deal with an abuser and social gatherings then we have a pretty deep problem.

In my LiveJournal alone (and I certainly don't have the largest of friends list I know of...), my flist crosses the boundaries of PolyBoston, the local SpinJams, the Burner Crowd, the Kink Community, Community Theater and the MIT Suspects crowd.  More than one of them has struggled with this issue and that is a lot of points of view, a lot of history and a lot of different lifestyles.*

So in an attempt to boil an extremely complex situation and discussion into it's simplest form, I am asking for ideas.

Putting aside recent events and escalating disagreements, how would you want to deal with an abuser and social gatherings within your social circle?

Guidelines to keep in mind:

  1. Don't make specific references to people or history*.

  2. This is in regards to gatherings in private settings, ie a person's home.

  3. One person's friend could be another person's abuser.

*(ETA-Forgot to put this at the bottom) I am a historian at heart and have some very passionate ideas on personal history that I may expound upon in a separate post.
taura_g: (Puppy!)
I may catch holy hell for this, but seriously.   Step away, take a deep breath and calm down.

Speaking as someone who has been a victim of both - The word "Police" is just as polarizing and traumatic as the word "Rape".

There will always be "someone is wrong on the internet".

There will always be someone who disagrees with you.

There will always be tensions and traumas and dramas in life.

Step away for a moment and think about the things in your life you love.

Take a deep breath and be grateful for what you do have.

I love my friends, all of you. 
taura_g: (Puppy!)
R&G fb cover

Theatre@First celebrates our 10th Anniversary with the show that started it all!

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
written by Tom Stoppard, directed by Elizabeth Hunter

For tickets and more info, please visit our website!

April 4-12, 2014
Davis Square Theatre http://davissquaretheatre.com/
255 Elm Street under The Foundry Restaurant

Full of some of the greatest wordplay in English drama, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead examines the meaning of death and the questions of life from an absurdist perspective that leaves audiences laughing at their own folly and gasping at the truths revealed.

Double-Deal! Enjoy dinner and a show!
- Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead patrons get 10% off food purchases at Foundry or Saloon with a same-day ticket stub.
- Ticket purchases at the box office get a $5 discount when a same-day receipt from Foundry or Saloon is presented.
taura_g: (Puppy!)
So I am actually registered for the Avon Walk in May - the 17th & 18th of the month.  And it suddenly occurs to me that I really need to so something about fundraising, like NOW.

I gave some thought to just withdrawing but I've got too many people in my life who have been affected by Breast Cancer in the last couple of years.   So, even if I don't raise enough money to actually do the Walk, it will be well worth the effort.    I especially like the fact that the Avon Foundation donates the majority of money raised by the Boston Walk to Boston area hospitals, research centers and community service orgs that help not just breast cancer patients but cancer patients in general

And this is where I ask for help.    If you have any fundraising ideas, thoughts or even just bandwidth to help with fundraising--please let me know.  I will be doing at least one Auction again after RAGAD is over.

Thank you for your help.
taura_g: (Puppy!)
Dental work continues apace...  It will be another year or so before everything gets done.

Today, in an effort to minimize time out, two teeth were drilled and prepped for new crowns.   So I was in the chair a lot longer than I have been for a while.   On top of that it took 3 attempts with the novacaine to get everything numbed up properly.   First time in ages I have had to rely on a second anti-anxiety to get me through the appointment and I was still shaking a good bit by the time I left.

Now the novacaine is wearing off and the entire right side of my head hurts.   Lots of ibuprofen has been taken, I'm just going to curl up on the couch and close my eyes.   Hopefully when I wake up the painkiller will really taken hold.

Probably still not going to be online much today.
taura_g: (Puppy!)
This Post is now public.   Please feel free to share with others.  I would like to spread the conversation.

I will start with saying that I am trying to start a conversation and not criticize.  The Poly 201
panel was probably the best I have been to yet.  It dealt with more of the real world issues that
are not necessarily Poly but because it happens to a Poly person there are more facets to the issues
than if it was just occurring around a "normal" relationship.

But there were some gaps in the conversation--time constraints as well as lack of relevant experience
on the panel that has me processing quite a bit more than I usually do with panels.  The first of two
that were particularly vexing was the response to "what happens when someone is dealing with a long-term
illness or even someone dying".
Not everyone will want to read this )

For the record, I'm not making accusations or trying to make anyone feel defensive.  No one is really built to deal
with long term crises.  We are not taught to take care of ourselves very well, never mind to care for others.  It
seems there are the people who go overboard and the people who just don't know how to help.  I am not blaming
anyone for these problems.  I am trying to draw attention to the deficit in the conversation and the difference
between crisis in short term and long term.

Awareness of a problem is the first step to discussion and possible solution.
taura_g: (Puppy!)
I haven't paid attention to real-time TV since before Aries passed.   I am not really sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing that there are a few shows that I have been keeping up with this season.

Agents of SHIELD:  Definitely a Joss Whedon show--as usual great female characters and the show doesn't take itself too seriously while still making you care about the characters and the stories.

Grimm: I started watching this on Amazon Prime and found it a lot of fun and a very interesting take on the Grimm Fairy Tales.   I've been watching Season 3 as it has been coming out.

Sleepy Hollow: [livejournal.com profile] woodwardiocom already wrote a piece on the Matter of America and Sleepy Hollow. I will bow to his excellent description and review of the show.  Quote:  Sleepy Hollow is a light, entertaining detective/horror/time travel show, which thus far has been mostly harmless.

Dracula: Also fun with a healthy dose of cheesy.   I admit watching this is completely about my vampire fetish and the eye candy of the show (which is plentiful).

Witches of East End:  This generation's "Charmed".   Complete Fluff with a large side of guilty pleasure.

I'm beginning to sense a pattern here.  ;-)
taura_g: (Puppy!)
Normally something like this would go on my JTFNA filter--but since I really don't think "we" (society as a whole) talk about grief enough I am just going put it under a cut.   Feel free to skip over it.
Scale of 1 to 10. )

I am very happy about both of these things, but their effect on my day-to-day mood has been obvious (at least to me).   Hopefully, now that I got this out, I can get back to work.  As I have to leave early tonight for The Bully Plays Dress Rehearsal.
taura_g: (Puppy!)
I have muscle spasms going on in my head.  This has been causing fever-like symptoms without the fever and I had really thought that maybe I was suffering from a sinus infection after all. 

Nope.  The nosebleeds are probably caused by the excessive need for steroids this year as both the allergies and asthma have been really twitchy since January.   They cauterized a couple of spots where the bleeds had occurred and I was told to lay off the Flonase. 

But what about the general feeling of being out of it, headache and pressure in my ears?   Muscle spasms in my jaw going into the back of my head and causing the pressure in my ears--most likely caused by grinding my teeth.  TMJ was on the top of the page that he handed me.   Looking at it a few minutes ago I noticed he had crossed out the full term for TMJ and wrote in "muscle spasms".   Not sure--he could have said it was like TMJ or he could have said it was TMJ.    Will have to check my med records to see what the actual diagnosis was.   

Either way, he told me to start on 2 tylenol plus 2-4 advil every 4-5 hours for the next few days.   Additionally, he actually told me to go see my massage therapist and go get my dental work finished.  Oh, and make sure that my neck/head always has plenty of support when I'm sleeping.

I scheduled a few appointments with [livejournal.com profile] barodar.    The dentist thing is going to take some thinking...  going back to Chelmsford for continued work is not an appealing option given I never go to Boxborough anymore.   But she's the first dentist I've ever really felt comfortable with. *think think think*
taura_g: (devil)
So, it's been a week or so...   I crashed pretty hard post vacation and have only gotten my sleep back to something normal in the last couple of days.  

I posted a bunch of pictures from the trip over on my facebook account and will share them on G+ as well.   There were 2 things that I really wanted to see on the island - Horseshoe Bay Beach and the Crystal Caves.   Very pleased to say that I made it to both, although I didn't really drink enough water for the amount of time I spent in swimming at the Beach.   I kept going back into the water... it was soooo warm.  Like bath water.   (Reminder: I grew up in Gloucester where 60+ degrees for water temperature was pretty damn warm!)  But I wasn't wearing anything on my head whenever I went back into the water... so yeah,  a little bit of heat exhaustion when I got back to the boat.    Most definitely worth it.

It has been stressful getting caught back up at work again and I am still finding things people assigned to me when I was gone but I hadn't seen it yet.  Plus there are the looming layoffs in October.   *And* I am just now seeing an agenda for a major gathering going on in the UK next week--something that has been planned for two months--and figuring out I should be in several of these meetings but most of them are planned at OMG EARLY :30 my time.   Here I have twofold mind weasel 1. I should have been included earlier on, so why wasn't I?  2. If they are not including me does that bode badly for the layoffs?

Logically I know that my overall grade level is a lot lower than most of the people in these meetings and its not surprising that I wasn't included.   However, I've been doing the work of someone several levels higher than me for well over a year now and now that it's officially in my responsibilities I need to be included in the planning processes.   No one else going to these meetings are aware of the the challenges surrounding what I do.   *sigh* Imposter Syndrome does not need anything feeding it.

I will most likely be hosting a Viewing Night for the new Agents of SHEILD TV program. 

I want to host another game night.

I really wish that my sister getting married is something that had happened before I lost my husband.

Work, Z's Bachelorette Day,  Z's Wedding and the Bully Plays in October and a few other things has the schedule looking pretty damned crowded right now.   If I fall off the radar a bit, this is why.
taura_g: (devil)
Please spread the word!

Bidding will close TODAY at 5:30pm.

Reminder:  This is for surrealestate, candle_light and myself (taura_g) walking in the Jimmy Fund Walk on Sept 8th.   Our team is called the Goliath's for David and we are walking in the name of our friend's son, David.

Our Team's Page is here:

Thank you for your support.


taura_g: (Default)

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